Surreal Life

My intent to chronicle the remaking of me seems to have gone down the path of so much, too much of my life.  Time wasted, procrastination overwhelming. 

I look around my new, so unlike any of my life surroundings and wonder how I got here.  I look around my new, so unlike any of my life surroundings and wonder how I stagnated so long.  I look around my new, unlike any of my life surrounding and wonder how I never grew up.  I look around my new, unlike any of my life surroundings and wonder…just wonder.

It would be very like me to sit here, in the tropical humidity and ponder the why and how of it all.  To sit here and try to decipher my path in life and self and where it stopped, where it veered, where it took me both out of control and gridlocked in stagnation at the same time.  The seeming introspection more of an excuse for procrastination.

I’ll allow myself me for a moment, just a moment.

Not even enough me should remain to allow putting pen to paper or fingers to keys about the subject of what and why and where and when of it all.  No, no, that needs to be the was, the past.  No more of the forlorn, black dressing, why-searching person I’ve become.  No more blame of but-but he did”or he didn’t, life did or it didn’t. It’s all quite pointless in the end and serves only to leave me.  Leave me where I am, looking around and forward and past…but never leaving the inertia of soul-searching to make a step in any direction. 

Moving *literally* half way around the world, from all I have ever known and took comfort in, that wasn’t the first step of change in me.  I fool myself well at times.  But here, in my new, so unlike any of my life surroundings I’ve been pushed to clarity and reality.  Here, in my new, so unlike any of my life surroundings I admit that although I’ve had bad luck and plain life beyond the realm of my control here and there, the bad that remains and has for the past uncountable months been clouding my life and my happenings remains only because of me.

It is hard for me to admit that.  It is hard for me to ever be wrong.  It is hard for me to be not in control.  Is it only me or is everyone like that?  At least to a degree, I think, everyone is.  It helps know that.  As always in life, it helps to know one isn’t alone in any given situation.

So, for now, I’ll leave my thoughts of where I was, how I got here, how I screwed up or didn’t.  I’ll leave them and address the bigger, more pressing issue that I am faced with.  Living.

Yes, living.  We’ll see how this one works out for me.  And with this scene change, like Dorothy over the rainbow, black and white gives way to Technicolor!!  Could we please do this change without the green witch and flying monkeys, though?  They always freaked me out a bit.